


The Pegasus Conqueror

by Ladyhawk_lhflu



Category: Stargate - All Series, Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Humor, M/M, Ridiculous
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-25
Updated: 2015-06-25
Packaged: 2018-04-06 01:47:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 11,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4203309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ladyhawk_lhflu/pseuds/Ladyhawk_lhflu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If Atlantis had a tabloid, this would be it. Companion to The 'Gate Crasher.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Pegasus Conqueror--Issue 0-00

MAJOR JOHN SHEPPARD CHANGES ROTATION OF PEGASUS GALAXY  
by Ladyhawk

Atlantis, Pegasus Galaxy--In an amazing feat of doing absolutely nothing, Major John Sheppard, a leader of the explorer group currently on Atlantis, changed the rotation of the Pegasus Galaxy from clockwise to counterclockwise. 

Dr. Elizabeth Weir, director of the group, commented that the change occurred when Major Sheppard stood in front of a large device on a planet two solar systems away. "I had just sent the team out to search for food. They reported that they found a device that looked like an old fashioned refrigerator with a picture of a rocking horse painted on the front. When the Major opened the door of the device, the horse on the front began to rock. Soon, Atlantis, and the rest of the galaxy began to rock as well." 

"It looked so much like my grandma's old fridge that I thought there might be ice cream in the freezer." Sheppard reported. "But of course, instead it's some crazy Ancient device that nearly kills us. Why didn't General O'Neill warn me about this kind of thing before I left? Especially about the part where your geeky lover refuses to speak to you for a week after you accidentally cause a disaster?"

Sheppard's lover, Dr. Rodney McKay, was the astrophysicist that discovered the change in the galaxy's rotation. "All the mysterious devices on Atlantis started lighting up at the same time. I thought the Atlanteans had all decided to return at once. But when my pencil wouldn't balance on my finger, I knew the galaxy had shifted its rotation. I checked the Doppler shifts and found that the red and blue shifts had changed places. It looked like the 2000 US Presidential election! I should have known John was responsible. And they think I'm the one most likely to be voted the Daniel Jackson of Atlantis!"

Steve, a Wraith leader, commented that this may have been the stupidest thing the Earth group has done so far. "But this will make it easier to capture them swiftly when they are away from Atlantis. This event will so agitate my brethren that they will chase the humans twice as fast as normal."

The device given the name The Major Rotator by Dr. McKay, was created by the original residents of Atlantis, known as the Ancients, the Ascended, or Those Glowy Squid People. The Squid People could not be reached for comment.


	2. The Pegasus Conqueror Issue 00-01

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> THANKSGIVING 'TURKEY' MAKES A TURKEY OUT OF ATLANTIS

THANKSGIVING 'TURKEY' MAKES A TURKEY OUT OF ATLANTIS  
by Ladyhawk and Tree

 

Atlantis, Pegasus Galaxy--Atlantis was a place of chaos today as the American and Canadian contingents of the Earth group attempted to celebrate Thanksgiving--with an uncooperative turkey.

"We were on this planet that reminded Ford of the Florida Everglades, all swampy and bug infested," Military leader Major John Sheppard reported, "when we ran by a pack of bright green turkey-shaped animals with these huge eyes. The eyes were really the only things on their heads, they were that big."

Teyla Emmigan reported to the group that these animals were edible. "So in what Dr. McKay calls a pure hedonistic craze, Lieutenant Ford and Major Sheppard chose the largest animal in the pack and took it back to the Puddle Jumper alive."

This appeared to be their biggest mistake because although the animal was quiet and still in the spaceship, once it entered the Ancient facility, it took off for the high windows on in the atrium. 

"We didn't really see where it went at first," said Dr. Rodney McKay, Atlantis' most egotistical brainiac and astrophysicist. "But it then decided to relieve itself on John's head when he stood next to the South Window. I may never go near my lover again because of that bird. His head stinks!"

Dr. Carson Beckett, team physician, had this to say: "It held itself to the window with the suction cups on the bottom of its feet. It then proceeded to defecate on both Major Sheppard and Dr. McKay. I am of the mind that the bird is truly psychic."

Major Sheppard did not appear as offended as McKay by the smell as he proceeded to kiss his lover in celebration of the holiday. Dr. Weir, however, was, and proceeded to call off Thanksgiving due to lack of both a cooperative turkey and cranberry sauce.


	3. The Pegasus Conqueror--Issue 0-02

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> RODNEY MCKAY GIVES UP PERFECT LOVE FOR CHOCOLATE

RODNEY MCKAY GIVES UP PERFECT LOVE FOR CHOCOLATE  
by Ladyhawk

 

Atlantis, Pegasus Galaxy--Dr. Rodney McKay, astrophysicist and snarkiest guy in the galaxy, reportedly broke up with his lover, Dr. Carson Beckett, when bribed with chocolate.

"He just up and left me." Dr. Beckett reported. "I dinna know what I did wrong." Beckett, who is the Atlantis group's doctor, had been dating McKay since their time together in Antarctica. Reportedly, in the mirror universe, Beckett lives as two separate people, Commander Montgomery Scott and Dr. Leonard McCoy. The doctor was notably upset when talking to this reporter, wringing his hands constantly. "I think he just wanted me for my Ancient gene. He left me the minute Major Sheppard handed him a chocolate bar!"

"It was a Dove bar." Dr. McKay said. "A DARK Dove bar. How could I resist?" Observers around the complex reported that Sheppard indeed did hand McKay a Dove bar then proceeded to leave a trail of chocolate bar pieces leading back to his quarters.

When asked why he did it, Sheppard replied, "I was ordered by General O'Neill to obtain a geek before the year was out. He said it was vital to my well-being, as geeks make very good bed warmers on cold nights and good toys when you're bored."

Dr. Elizabeth Weir, the Atlantis group's director, had this to say: "We all know Rodney is the most fickle being in both galaxies. If Carson really wants him back, all he would have to do is bribe Dr. Fijique, our Belgian linguist. He makes chocolate products in his spare time."

Dr. Fijique refused comment, as he was making chocolate liqueur for Lieutenant Ford, who has been trying to pry Teyla Emmigan away from Weir.


	4. The Pegasus Conqueror--Issue 0-03

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> RODNEY MCKAY MISTAKEN FOR A GOD

RODNEY MCKAY MISTAKEN FOR A GOD  
by Ladyhawk

Atlantis, Pegasus Galaxy--After discovering the 50th new planet of primitive humans, the Atlantis exploration crew discovered something really different--Dr. Rodney McKay's godhood.

"We were looking for an Ancient device," said Major John Sheppard, leader of the team and all around suave man. "When we ran across the regular native people. They looked just like all the other primitive people we've encountered, except they have really strange tastes in gods."

According to the mission report, when the natives met up with the Atlantis team, they instantly separated them using the regulation pointy-arrowed poles, leaving Dr. McKay in front of the native elders.

"It became really strange after that," reported Lieutenant Aiden Ford. "They started bowing down to McKay and chanting. They got louder when he sat on that funny looking stone. You know, it looked a lot like that Ancient chair in Antarctica. Anyway, I thought they were going to eat him or something. They seemed to be gathering all these pots and starting fires. I thought he was going to end up in one."

"He must have set something off in that Ancient chair then, because he started to rise in the air," Major Sheppard continued. "It was like that scene in Star Wars, with the Ewoks. So of course, I asked our own personal protocol droid to have the natives set us free. Unlike C-3PO, however, this god doesn't play by the rules. He had us locked in their prison, outside the village."

"It took me three hours to get down from there!" reported Dr. Rodney McKay, team astrophysicist and voted most likely to have godhood go to his head. "And the whole time Sheppard was telling me to use my influence to get them out of there. They didn't speak English! How was I supposed to know that 'Let them go' meant 'put them in prison' in whatever language these people speak?!"

"When the device finally shut down, the natives kept tripping me up, trying to get close to me. It was awful. One woman even held her baby out to me, so I could bless him or something. But the food was good, and so was the room they gave me. The naked voluptuous women were just okay, though. I didn't know how to explain to them that I prefer arrogant military men."

Dr. McKay, however, no longer was in favor with the Atlantis military contingent. After three days, the other crew members made a nice new door in the prison with some C4 and went to retrieve Dr. McKay. "This man didn't even need a Goa'uld sarcophagus to get addicted to power. Somehow I think General O'Neill had less trouble dragging an addicted Dr. Jackson away. I had to hit Rodney over the head with my P90 because he wouldn't agree to come with us when he was conscious."

According to the mission report, the natives tried to stop the team by yelling 'that's swell!' and rolling their eyes at them. The team, however, made it through the stargate safely. PC sources reported however, that Dr. McKay was made to pay for his negligence of his team by watching old American football games and worshipping his pilot's joystick.


	5. The Pegasus Conqueror--Issue 0-04

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> JOHN SHEPPARD THROWN IN BRIG FOR DEFACING ATLANTIS DOCTOR

JOHN SHEPPARD THROWN IN BRIG FOR DEFACING ATLANTIS DOCTOR  
by Ladyhawk

Atlantis, Pegasus Galaxy--Major John Sheppard, military leader of the Atlantis team and the only one who can compete with Rodney McKay in ego, was thrown into the brig today after fighting with Dr. Carson Beckett.

Dr. Beckett reported that he had been trying to woo Sheppard's lover, Dr. Rodney McKay. He lost McKay's affection when Sheppard bribed him with chocolate (see Issue 0-01). "I was trying to get him back with Dr. Fijique's chocolate sauce when all of a sudden, I was attacked from behind by this odd Ancient device. It grabbed my face and started shaving my chin. I knew Major Sheppard had sent it because we both know Rodney's biggest weakness, besides chocolate, is hairy men. When Rodney saw the device stripping me of hair, the poor lad cried in outrage."

"It-It just attacked him!" Dr McKay commented. "I knew it had to be John the minute I saw it. He couldn't get any better chocolate, so he had to resort to defacing his enemy. Literally. I immediately got out a camera, took some pictures, then called Dr. Weir. She accused Major Sheppard of attacking another crewmember and acting like a corrupt politician before throwing him into the brig." Atlantis' brig is the room next to Dr. Kavanaugh's office. It is reported that all prisoners must listen to Kavanaugh's CD of I Said Fred's song 'I'm Too Sexy' at least 15 hours a day.

"I caught him and Lieutenant Ford setting the device and sending it to Dr. Beckett's room," said Dr. Zelenka, a member of Dr. McKay's entourage and head of the 'McKay is God' fanclub. "They were nodding at each other and smirking. Poor Carson! He is going to be forever scarred! At least until his beard and the hair on the left side of his head grows back."

"Ok, I have no choice," said Major Sheppard when asked to comment. "I did it. They can prove it. They took twenty seven eight-by-ten color glossy photographs with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explaining what each one was, to be used as evidence against us. They took pictures of the approach, the getaway, the northwest corner the southwest corner and that's not to mention the aerial photography. That's what I get for going on a long-term mission with a bunch of geeks. After all this, Beckett can have McKay. I'll save my chocolate for the next beautiful woman we encounter on a primitive planet. At least she won't bore me to sleep explaining the gravitational pull of a micron."

"I'll have you know the gravitational pull of a micron is quite interesting," replied Dr. Beckett when told his rival admitted defeat.  
"Especially when Rodney explains it...yes, with the diagrams, it gets quite exciting. Rodney will be using the shaved and unshaved parts of my head to conduct experiments in micron pulling and shaft resistance."

Dr. McKay declined further comment, as he was staring intently at Dr. Beckett's head and muttering about the gravitational pull of hair on people named Johnson.


	6. The Pegasus Conqueror--Issue 0-05

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MALFUNCTIONING COMMUNICATOR REVEALS RODNEY MCKAY TO BE A SEX GOD

MALFUNCTIONING COMMUNICATOR REVEALS RODNEY MCKAY TO BE A SEX GOD  
by Ladyhawk

Atlantis, Pegasus Galaxy--The Atlantis community was shocked to find out the true extent of Dr. Rodney McKay's genius when his communicator became stuck on the 'on' position today.

"I was in the main control room when I heard this strange moaning sound," said Dr. Peter Grodin, analytic wizard and Dr. Weir's favorite puppy dog. "I wasn't able to identify it, so I put it on the main speakers. I was afraid it was an enemy attack or another Ancient device that malfunctioned."

Dr. Elizabeth Weir, leader of the Atlantis community, was also puzzled by the noise. "I thought someone was injured. And since I could pinpoint the location through the Ancient's See-All device, I sent Dr. Beckett down to Major Sheppard's room to investigate."

Dr. Beckett received the shock of his life when he got there. "It was horrible! I nearly bawled my eyes out." What was so shocking? "They were having sex. Good sex! Rodney was using the best techniques from the Kama Sutra for Geeks on Major Sheppard! I knew the rumors about the amaretto truffles were true!"

Major Sheppard and Dr. Beckett have been at war for Dr. McKay's affection for the last couple of months. This war has resulted in a chocolate shortage (see Issue 0-01), Major Sheppard being thrown in the brig (see Issue 0-04), and cricks in the necks of most Atlantis residents, from watching McKay bounce back and forth between them.

Dr. Weir said that once Dr. Beckett arrived in Major Sheppard's quarters, the noise over the loudspeaker increased in volume. "John started gasping and yelling, every sound giving a sense of ultimate pleasure. I would have never guessed that Rodney could be that good. Listening to that was worth the chocolate shortage."

Dr. Weir, however, had to turn off the loudspeaker before the climax. "Nobody was getting anything done while we were listening to the Major, we were all distracted, imagining what was going on. I had to turn it off before the Gate mechanisms shut down from the heat."

Dr. Beckett had to be removed from Major Sheppard's room on a stretcher and treated for high blood pressure. Dr. McKay and Major Sheppard apologized for the public display of affection, but it was later found that the communicator was tampered with in a way that could only be done by a mathematical genius. When asked if he did it, Major Sheppard refused to comment.


	7. The Pegasus Conqueror--Issue 0-06

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> RODNEY MCKAY CAUSES DR. ZELENKA'S NERVOUS BREAKDOWN

RODNEY MCKAY CAUSES DR. ZELENKA'S NERVOUS BREAKDOWN   
by Ladyhawk and Tree

Atlantis, Pegasus Galaxy--Atlantis personnel were taken by surprise today when Dr. Zelenka, one of the crew's astrophysicists and man unfortunate enough to be born without a first name, walked into a briefing naked.

"He just walked in as calmly as you please," commented Major John Sheppard, Atlantis' military leader and man with permanent bedhead. "At first, I thought he may have read The Emperor's New Clothes one too many times."

"I thought he was sleepwalking," commented Dr Weir, Atlantis' supreme commander. "I wanted to wake him up, but I was afraid to get too close. The astrophysicists tend to send a lot of kinetic energy through the base when dreaming about new discoveries. I didn't want to get shocked."

But once Dr. Zelenka sat down at the table, his problems became clear. "He started muttering 'I am Zelenka, not Zinkie or Zelemka or Zeloonka or even that Czech. Can the man not get it correct?' At that point, it was obvious that Rodney was the cause of his problem, and the nakedness. Then I knew why he had his name spelled out in magic marker across his chest," said Major Sheppard, who was the current winner of the tug-of-war for Dr. McKay's affection (see Issue 0-05).

Dr. Zelenka was taken down to the infirmary, where Dr. Carson Beckett diagnosed him with a Lack-Of-Identity Crisis. "It's bad enough the lad doesn't have a first name. Then Rodney canna remember his last name. The poor man just broke down," commented Dr. Beckett, who confessed that he has a nefarious plan for getting back into Dr. McKay's affections (which will be reported on in the next Issue).

Dr. Beckett treated Dr. Zelenka by clothing him in a pair of pants and a vest that did not obscure the astrophysicist's chest, but made the men a little less jealous of his family inheritance. He then started a campaign to teach Dr. McKay to say Dr. Zelenka's name correctly.

"Major Sheppard and I agreed to put our differences aside for Dr. Zelenka. So, every time Rodney said his name correctly, we took turns practicing Kama Sutra techniques with him. Dr. Weir helped by adding a chocolate bar to his collection for each correct name, as well."

It took three months for Dr. McKay to get Dr. Zelenka's name correct on every try. Although his verbalizations improved the day the reward system was implemented, he mysteriously had relapses every time Dr. Weir suggested that he might be cured. His final day of treatment coincided with Major Sheppard's use of the last technique in the Kama Sutra, Clueless Scientist Standing on Head.


	8. The Pegasus Conqueror--Issue 0-07

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MISTLETOE CAUSES CHAOS ON ATLANTIS

MISTLETOE CAUSES CHAOS ON ATLANTIS  
by Ladyhawk 

Atlantis, Pegasus Galaxy--The Atlantis base was the scene of interpersonal chaos today when Major Sheppard, military leader and Atlantean most likely to drink too much eggnog, brought back a sprig of what he thought was mistletoe.

"I saw it out on a mission to the planet with the glowing trees. It was nestled under the trees. I figured glowing trees, mistletoe...It reminded me of Christmas. And I said to myself, well, what if Santa actually had tentacles? So, as it was near December 25th, I took some so I had a weapon to use in my fight against Beckett," Major Sheppard commented. Major Sheppard and Dr. Carson Beckett have been fighting each other for the affection of Dr. Rodney McKay. Since the base has depleted its supply of chocolate due to their fight and Dr. McKay's difficulty with pronouncing Dr. Zelenka's name (see the majority of the back issues), the two adversaries have resorted to using unsolvable mathematical problems, bad movies, and a dartboard with a picture of a lemon on it, to win their love.

The mistletoe began to cause problems when Dr. Beckett stole it from Major Sheppard. "I just took a small piece. I had an ingenious plan, and it fit right into it," said Dr. Beckett. The Atlantean physician then proceeded to get *Major Sheppard* under his sprig.

"I thought that if I convinced the major that I was interested in him instead of Rodney, he might leave Rodney alone. Then, I'd be free to make Rodney mine," Dr. Beckett said. What he did not count on, however, was the plant's special quality. "It's an aphrodisiac. Once I had the major under it, we were both so overwhelmed by its scent that we started ripping each other's clothes off where we stood, in the main control room."

Dr. Weir, Atlantis leader and woman most likely to make Santa Claus VERY happy, said that the rest of the control room was not immune to the plant's effects. "We just stood there and watched them have sex on the control room floor. I was amazed at how Rodney's skills have rubbed off on both of them (see Issue 0-05). Who knew that Dr. Beckett's tongue was so talented?"

Dr. McKay entered the control room as the men climaxed. "It was so amazing! They looked so good together that I had to join in." He then proceeded to strip and join them on the floor, bringing everyone in the control room to another climax.

After the episode, the three men decided to join into a relationship together. "All the competition did nothing but deplete our chocolate supply," said Major Sheppard. Dr. McKay and Dr. Beckett could not be reached for further comment, as they were getting ready to play Strip Jump Rope.


	9. The Pegasus Conqueror--Issue 0-08

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ASSAULT IS NOT A CRIME, ATLANTIS JURY RULES

ASSAULT IS NOT A CRIME, ATLANTIS JURY RULES  
by Ladyhawk

Atlantis, Pegasus Galaxy--The Atlantis Judiciary Committee found Major John Sheppard and Dr. Carson Beckett not guilty of assault yesterday when they were tried for crimes against Dr. Calvin Kavanagh.

Teyla Emmagan, head of the Committee and the only woman who did not sleep with Major Sheppard before he swung the other way, issued this statement: "We, the Judiciary Committee, agree that an assault took place on Dr. Calvin Kavanagh, and that it was committed by Dr. Beckett and Major Sheppard. We cannot, in good conscience, consider this a crime because Dr. Kavanagh engaged in acts of aggravated provocation. In addition, the only things harmed were his hair and his pride. And we all agree his pride needed a good wounding."

The assault was committed because Dr. Rodney McKay, lover to both Major Sheppard and Dr. Beckett as well as the only man on Atlantis with a bigger ego than Dr. Kavanagh, left his lovers for Kavanagh after what he described as 'heart-crushing neglect.'

When asked how they neglected Dr. McKay, Dr. Beckett replied, "We dinna bring him his favorite chocolate dessert after dinner. We were both busy and forgot. When Major Sheppard went by his lab to give it to him, at 20:00, he found Rodney in Dr. Kavanagh's arms.

After an hour's worth of screaming and chest-beating by the two men, who made monkeys look intelligent, Dr. McKay proceeded to follow Dr. Kavanagh to his quarters while Major Sheppard joined Dr. Beckett to 'plot the bastard's demise.'

Once most of Atlantis was asleep, Major Sheppard and Dr. Beckett snuck into Dr. Kavanagh's room with a scalpel. "We then grabbed the most offending part of the bastard and cut it off," said Major Sheppard. He held up the four inch braid of hair for this reporter to see. "When I cut it off, the whiny geek screamed so loudly that he woke up Rodney, who was sleeping next to him. Our two-timing egotist then started screaming at me, but Carson cut him off when he held up a handful of Hershey's Kisses. Rodney dove across the bed for them, so it was easy to grab him and haul him to our shared quarters."

Dr. Beckett added, "We then nailed the braid to Dr. Kavanagh's door, with a note saying that Major Sheppard and I are now entitled to his share of chocolate, as he tried to kidnap our sex god."

Dr. Kavanagh pressed charges against the pair, saying that by cutting off his braid, they were symbolically castrating him. 

When hearing of this, Major Sheppard agreed. "I considered actually castrating him, but that would have involved blood. And I couldn't ask Carson to put him back together. That would be cruel and unusual punishment."

At Dr. Kavanagh's request, the Atlantis Judiciary Committee was formed, and a trial held, with Dr. Elizabeth Weir, head of Atlantis, presiding. The two sides presented their cases without lawyers, as Dr. Weir believed the three men could lie enough for 10 attorneys. Dr. McKay also took the stand in defense of his two lovers, saying, "They proved their love for me. How could I resist those Kisses?"

Once the cases were presented, the committee took 2.3 seconds to reach a verdict of not guilty. When presented with the verdict, Dr. Weir nodded her head and replied, "It's about time. Kavanagh's had this coming since that bug was sucking the major's neck."

Dr. Grodin, Weir's assistant and puppy dog, added, "And the ponytail was stupid anyway."

The three lovers could not be reached for further comment, as Dr. Beckett had found a bottle of chocolate sauce and was in the process of using it to decorate his partners with mathematical equations.


	10. The Pegasus Conqueror--Issue 0-09

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CHOCOLATE WITHDRAWAL CAUSES LYRIC FRENZY ON ATLANTIS

CHOCOLATE WITHDRAWAL CAUSES LYRIC FRENZY ON ATLANTIS  
by Ladyhawk

Atlantis, Pegasus Galaxy--Three Atlantis crewmembers were sentenced to the brig today after attacking Major John Sheppard in the mess hall last week. Dr. Noname Zelenka, Dr. Peter Grodin and Dr. Calvin Kavanagh were all sentenced to a full year of living with each other in the brig after they were found guilty of attacking Major Sheppard for apparently 'ruining their childhood memories.'

Teyla Emmagan, consultant to Atlantis and the reason Dr. Weir woke up half the base with her screams, was a witness for the prosecution. "The three men attacked him when he was getting his breakfast. He was singing a song about a shovel or some water gear. I believe it was called Scoopy can do," she reported. "This seemed to incite them. Dr. Grodin started throwing small hard balls at him while Dr. Kavanagh shoved him on his hands and knees and insisted he bark like a 'dog'. Dr. Zelenka fastened a small belt around his neck. I believe they were prepared to do more, but Dr. McKay and Dr. Beckett by this time had rushed in and were attempting to remove Dr. Kavanagh's genitals."

"It was the lack of chocolate!" Dr. Grodin said in his defense on the witness stand. "McKay now has all the chocolate on the base because of that damned war between Sheppard and Beckett for a place in his bed (see previous issues). It has made us all irritable. There's nothing good for dessert on the whole planet other than that chocolate! And when Major Sheppard started singing the Scooby Doo theme song with the line 'You know you are an ugly dog' instead of 'You know we got a mystery to solve', well, we all saw red."

Dr. Kavanagh was much more direct in his accusations against Major Sheppard's singing. He yelled from the stand, "You ignorant slut! How can you NOT know the lyrics to such a time-honored classic as Scooby Doo?"

Major Sheppard did not reply to this, but Dr. Beckett yelled back in retaliation. "You bastard. You know what you get when you hurt one of my lovers. Only I can make John wear a dog collar!"

"And I make him wear the cockring!" Dr. McKay chimed in, then went back to computing the friction potential of leather on the napkin under his water glass.

Dr. Zelenka, when he was done cowering from Dr. Beckett's evil eye, reported, "He had been singing and humming the song constantly. It was self defense! I felt like I was turning into Shaggy!"

The jury took a whole 35 seconds to reach a verdict of guilty. Dr. Weir, judge and the one secretly stealing back the chocolate from Dr. McKay's stash, sentenced the three men to a full year of living together because, "Anyone would be punished by living with Kavanagh, even himself."


	11. The Pegasus Conqueror--Issue 0-10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ATLANTIS THREESOME CALLED ON TO BALANCE ESTROGEN LEVEL IN PEGASUS GALAXY

ATLANTIS THREESOME CALLED ON TO BALANCE ESTROGEN LEVEL IN PEGASUS GALAXY  
by Ladyhawk

Atlantis, Pegasus Galaxy--Atlantis went into crisis yesterday when the estrogen level of the galaxy rose way above normal levels, causing unexpected wormholes and stargate errors. 

The estrogen has been steadily rising, Dr. Peter Grodin reported, as Dr. Elizabeth Weir and Teyla Emmagan began a romantic relationship. "The extreme combination of femininity and leadership caused the estrogen to be released into the air and into space. The galaxy is now hormonally out of balance. This is causing shifts in the space-time continuum, and interrupting stargate operations."

Dr. Weir, Atlantis, leader and cause of the galaxy's PMS, did not realize there was a problem until the Wraith hiveships started retreating from the estrogen cloud rising from Atlantis. She then consulted with her crew as to how to correct this imbalance, as it was beginning to affect the Ancient equipment.

Dr. Zelenka came up with two possible solutions. "We can either shoot Dr. Kavanagh into the cloud, he may be able to dispel it with his indignant anger; or we could create a testosterone cloud to balance it out."

As Dr. Weir believed Dr. Kavanagh had some uses, including torturing people with his bad personality, she did not want to sacrifice him. Therefore, she called upon Dr. Rodney McKay, and his two lovers, Major John Sheppard and Dr. Carson Beckett, to create the testosterone cloud.

She gave the three lovers a gallon of lube and ordered them to participate in a three-day lovefest. They were put into a temperature-controlled soundproof room to keep them comfortable and to keep them from disturbing the rest of Atlantis' staff. After the lovers were at it for two and a half days, a testosterone cloud began to rise from the room. After three days, the cloud was big enough to meet the estrogen cloud and combine with it, causing thunder, lightning and freak heart-shaped hail before dissapating both clouds.

Medics were then let into the room, where the three lovers suffered from exhaustion, muscle fatigue, and friction burns. They were separated to preserve their sanity and ordered to follow a bedrest regimen for two days.

Dr. Weir then issued this statement. "We are extremely grateful for the sacrifice made by Dr. Beckett, Dr. McKay and Major Sheppard. They risked their sanity and genitalia to save our home. In honor of their sacrifice, we shall declare this day to be 'Unmentionable Day', for we honor their courage, but if we ever mention it to the Air Force, we'll all be fired."

She then promised to put herself and Teyla on a reasonable schedule of sexual intercourse, to keep the galaxy properly balanced. They will have sex no more than once a week, and for no longer than five hours at a time.


	12. The Pegasus Conqueror--Issue 0-11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MODIFICATIONS DEMANDED FOR ATLANTIS PUDDLE JUMPERS

MODIFICATIONS DEMANDED FOR ATLANTIS PUDDLE JUMPERS  
by Ladyhawk

Atlantis, Pegasus Galaxy--Atlantis was in an uproar today as Dr. Rodney McKay, Atlantis scientist who is in perpetual competition with Daniel Jackson for the title 'Most Caffeinated', refused to continue on any exploration missions without "serious modifications to the puddle jumpers."

Dr. McKay refused to leave his lab, as he was protesting "the abhorrent conditions we serve under. The Puddle Jumpers are big enough to be Winnebagos. They should be outfitted as such." He then sent Dr. Weir a concise list of his demands for the Jumpers. They were:

-specimen tables  
-coffee maker  
-cup holders  
-more comfortable benches/fold out beds (each able to hold him and his two lovers, Major Sheppard and Dr. Beckett)  
-a TV monitor  
-DVD player  
-Pong capabilities  
-step ladder so that he won't have to crane his neck in the event that he has to mess with the rear controls again  
-secondary bulkhead to keep out encroaching space and doom  
-a screen door   
-mood lighting  
-candle holders  
-throw pillows  
-a kitchen sink  
-an extra bathroom  
-and a military-to-geek dictionary

If these improvements were completed in a timely fashion, Dr. McKay promised to return to exploring the Pegasus Galaxy "to the best of my abilities, which will greatly help the people of Atlantis, and of Earth, to become better than they are now."

When she received this message, Dr. Elizabeth Weir, leader of Atlantis replied, "I understand the food and supplies, Rodney, but the equipment for your nightly activities is unnecessary. I cannot approve those."

Dr. McKay then answered, "If you provide us with a Jumper with those specifications, we will be able to leave Atlantis at times so you will no longer be subject to our pleasure melodies three times a day."

Dr. Weir was about to approve, given Dr. McKay's reasoning, when Dr. Radek Zelenka heard of the request. He protested Dr. McKay's plan, saying "How else am I and the rest of the science team supposed to stay entertained?! Every night we make popcorn and set up chairs outside Dr. McKay's quarters so we can listen to the moaning and groaning on the other side of the door. Most of us agree it is the best sex we've ever had."

Dr. Weir listened to Dr. Zelenka's protest but allowed the modifications. They took three weeks to complete, and once they were done, the three lovers were asked to take Puddle Jumper 1 to space for a test-flight. They offered to take three scientists along for 'observation of the inner mechanisms.'

Major Sheppard offered to give this reporter a final comment, but he could not, as he was swept away in the onrushing tide of enraged geeks. The scientists had held a lottery for the three spots. Dr. Zelenka, Dr. Kavanagh, and Dr. Tanaka appeared to be the winners, until it was discovered that Dr. Kavanagh rigged the computer to produce a chip with his winning number. When the other scientists were finished with their punishment for his crime, Dr. Kavanagh sported a mohawk haircut and his backside had an indentation in the shape of a boot. Dr. Grodin was allowed to travel in his stead.


	13. The Pegasus Conqueror--Issue 0-12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CAVING ROOF ON ATLANTIS PROMPTS EVACUATIONS, SAFETY FEARS

CAVING ROOF ON ATLANTIS PROMPTS EVACUATIONS, SAFETY FEARS  
by Ladyhawk

Atlantis, Pegasus Galaxy--Atlantis was in chaos this morning, as part of the roof in Tower 2 of the base collapsed at approximately 0600, Atlantis time.

"It started as a huge rumble. I thought it was coming from Earth," reported Dr. Elizabeth Weir, leader of the Atlantis base and calmest woman in two galaxies. "We had just opened the gate to send reports to General O'Neill when we heard screaming from Tower 2, as pieces of the roof started falling."

Tower 2 is one of the residential areas, containing the quarters of half of the scientists, including Dr. Rodney McKay, astrophysicist and lover of Major John Sheppard and Dr. Carson Beckett. Major Sheppard and Dr. Beckett share McKay's quarters and were there when the roof began collapsing.

"It was awful," reported Dr. Beckett. "I jumped out of bed when the screaming outside became loud enough to disturb me. John realized what was going on the same second I did. We both ran out in the hall to see the sharp spiking of the roof falling to stick in the floor around us."

Major Sheppard immediately reported to Dr. Weir what was happening. She ordered an evacuation, which meant Major Sheppard had to do a room by room search to gather oblivious scientists. 

One of the scientists the Major had to gather was his own lover. "Rodney was just sitting there on the bed with his laptop. He wasn't even dressed! He was only wearing the silk boxers Zelenka had given him when we were all competing for his affections. I grabbed him and shook him, asking 'How can you be doing work?! The chaos outside disturbed us when we were making love! Don't you think that's a sign that it's serious?!"

Dr. McKay replied that he figured his lovers would take care of everything, and therefore was not needed outside. Major Sheppard then hauled his recalcitrant lover and his uniform to the control room, lecturing him about safety protocols the whole walk over.

When the crewmembers reached the control room, they reported that although the roof's collapse was rather violent, there was only one injury and no fatalities. Dr. Kavanagh got his hand pierced by a falling spike as he reached to gather his notes concerning his complaints about the leadership on Atlantis. Also, his mohawk (see Issue 0-12) was shaved rather abruptly by another spike as he screamed "I will kill you for this, Elizabeth!" into the open hallway.

The scientists on Atlantis tested the other towers, as Dr. Weir was concerned that the Ancients' creation wasn't as structurally sound as they had hoped. However, Dr. Radek Zelenka, who just recently gave himself a first name, said the collapse was due to a vibration caused by a very high pitched sound. "This sound would have broken all the windows in the American space shuttles, which are made of many reinforced layers of Plexiglass. That is nearly impossible."

Dr. Weir was just about to order an investigation when Dr. Beckett reported that he knew what the sound was. "It's the sound Rodney makes when we're having sex. His climax causes him to scream in such a high pitched sound that the Major and I wear sound canceling headphones during our sessions to protect our ears."

Dr. Weir did not punish the three lovers for their inadvertent destruction, but ordered Dr. McKay to join the other scientists in the effort to see how they could repair the roof. She also requested that Dr. McKay wear some kind of gag during his intimate encounters in the future.

Four hours later, General O'Neill contacted Atlantis, asking, "What was that noise?! It sounded just like Daniel when we have sex!"


	14. The Pegasus Conqueror--Issue 0-13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> RODNEY MCKAY: SECRET WEAPON AGAINST THE GOA'ULD

RODNEY MCKAY: SECRET WEAPON AGAINST THE GOA'ULD  
by Ladyhawk

Atlantis, Pegasus Galaxy--Atlantis was in an uproar when the crew was unexpectedly and secretly attacked through their stargate today.

"We received a call that we thought was from the SGC," said Dr. Elizabeth Weir, leader of Atlantis and the only person in two galaxies who has any real control over a roomful of geeks. "It sounded like Dr. Jackson on the speaker and the IDC was the one we had on record for SG-12. But when we opened the shield, what came through was *NOT* Daniel or any SG team."

"It was terrifying!" commented Dr. Radek Zelenka, one of Atlantis' numerous and extra-geeky astrophysicists. "It was tall, dark, and wore stripes and polka dots in the same outfit!"

"He looked a bit like Dr. Jackson," added Major John Sheppard, military leader of Atlantis, whose authority is soon to be challenged by the creatures known as TPTB. "But he was much more muscular and badly dressed, and wouldn't respond to anything until someone accidentally shouted 'Action!'"

The Atlantis crew did not need an MRI machine to positively identify the person as being possessed by the wardrobe-challenged parasites known as the Goa'uld. 

"The parasite tried to pass itself off as Dr. Jackson," explained Dr. Rodney McKay. "But I became extremely suspicious when he asked if I wanted his autograph. I grabbed for him, wanting to check his neck both for a Goa'uld entry wound and General O'Neill's dogtags. I didn't believe ANY snake could make Dr. Jackson act as rude as this man was."

"The host just keeled over as Rodney grabbed for him," said Dr. Carson Beckett, physician, and one of Dr. McKay's lovers. "I saw the parasite leave the man and enter Rodney's open mouth. I could see John turning red as this happened. I wasn't sure if the Major was offended that someone hurt our lover or that the snake was entering our hallowed territory. I went to check the host as John grabbed for Rodney. Unfortunately, the host was already dead." The host was later identified as a little known actor by the name of Michael Shanks.

"We were all holding our breath when the parasite entered Rodney," commented Dr. Weir. "I was convinced that the combination of Rodney's intelligence and the Goa'uld's illogic would be the death of us all."

The Atlantis crew watched in terror as Dr. McKay's body shook from the Goa'uld's progress. Major Sheppard reported tightening his hold on his lover as Dr. McKay's eyes glowed for a fraction of a second.

But instead of proclamations of world domination, Dr. McKay's reply to Dr. Weir's question, "What do you want?" was, "A bucket, I'm going to be sick!"

Dr. Beckett grabbed an empty flower pot at the edge of the control room and handed it to Dr. McKay. Dr. McKay then proceeded to expel the contents of his stomach, which included 20 cups of coffee, three chocolate bars and an MRE claiming to be chicken cacciatore, along with a dying wardrobe-challenged parasite.

When the crew recovered from their nausea caused by the smell of the afteraffects of Dr. McKay's lunch, Dr. Beckett examined the parasite and pronounced it dead.

"Of course it's dead, Carson," replied Dr. McKay. "I snarked at it and killed it." 

He continued as Dr. Beckett looked at him in shock. "When it began to enter my brain, I told it that it could not possibly match me in the ability to think, dress, and make snappy comments. Also, I had to correct its understanding of wormhole physics. I mean, General O'Neill knows more about the Gate than that thing! Oh, and I told it that no, it couldn't watch the finales of Survivor or Wormhole X-Treme here. We don't have cable!"

Once Major Sheppard recovered from his laughing fit, he took Dr. McKay to the infirmary, where he was declared as fit and as snarky as ever.

Dr. Weir reported the development to Stargate Command. General O'Neill immediately hid Dr. Jackson in his bedroom and told his staff that they'd have to work all major holidays, in order to induce snarkiness.

The Goa'uld System Lords could not be reached for comment, as they were embarrassed to find that Dr. McKay usurped them as the Most Annoying Being in the Universe.


	15. The Pegasus Conqueror--Issue 0-14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ALIEN COFFEE MAKES SCIENTIST SPEAK IN TONGUES

ALIEN COFFEE MAKES SCIENTIST SPEAK IN TONGUES  
by Ladyhawk

Atlantis, Pegasus Galaxy--Atlantis was shocked today when Dr. Rodney McKay, astrophysicist and all around snarky guy, collapsed during a briefing due to poisoning.

Dr. McKay was immediately treated by his lover, Dr. Carson Beckett, who was also in the briefing. "He was sweating profusely, shaking, and he seemed to be talking some kind of nonsense," reported Dr. Beckett. "He kept saying something about how he wanted me to hang him upside down by his toenails. I know for a fact that Rodney screams like a girl if you pinch him. He couldn't take the pain of hanging upside down."

The whole time Dr. McKay was saying this, he was pointing to Dr. Beckett's hospital jacket. Dr. Beckett soon realized something was desperately wrong. "I asked him if he wanted to go to the infirmary. He nodded, but he said 'Hang me up by my toenails.' Rodney usually thinks being silly is a terrible waste of time. I rushed him to the infirmary just in case somebody did something terrible to him, like giving him a normal sense of humor."

"I rushed down to the infirmary as soon as I found out Carson admitted Rodney," reported Major John Sheppard, Dr. McKay's other lover. Major Sheppard had been supervising the repairs in one of the base's towers, which was damaged by Dr. McKay's high-pitched shrieks during sex (see Issue 0-12).

"I explained to Carson that Rodney had been acting somewhat oddly all day," said Major Sheppard. "He kept telling me that he wanted sex. But when I told him I was too busy supervising repairs, he shook his head and said he wanted to try chapter ten in the Kama Sutra. Strangely though, he was waving around this odd-looking Ancient device the whole time."

"The device looked like a dunce cap, exactly like the ones the teachers at my primary school would make us wear when we couldn't tell them the molecular weight of Uranium," Dr. Beckett commented. "On a whim, I stuck it on Rodney's head."

Suddenly Dr. McKay's utterances began to sound much more coherent. Glaring at Dr. Beckett, he said, "I've been trying to talk to you two all day! I found this hat in a secret compartment in my closet. I went over to John this morning to ask him to try this on, to see what it does. He told me that he was too busy for sex! I mean, why would I ask him to wear this stupid looking hat while we were having sex?! When I told him this was more important than the roof repairs, he said that he didn't have his copy of the Kama Sutra, and that if I felt that sex-deprived, I should find you. What the hell was he talking about?!"

Once Dr. Beckett picked himself up off the floor, he replied, "You've been speaking nonsense all day. The first time you've made sense is when I stuck that hat on you."

When questioned about any possible cause for the language problem, Dr. McKay reported that he had found a bag of Ancient coffee with the hat. 

"What made you decide to brew a 10,000 year old bag of coffee, Rodney? It could have killed you!"

"But it's COFFEE!" Dr. McKay replied.

Dr. Beckett then shook his head and proceeded to investigate Dr. McKay's difficulties further. He discovered that without the hat, Dr. McKay could only speak about things like sex, sado-masochism, and how he wanted to take Dr. Kavanagh out to dinner. "He was expressing his base desires," said Dr. Beckett. "He constantly wants sex, and John told me he has some masochistic tendencies. We'll have to explore those later..."

Dr. Beckett tested the dregs of the 160 ounce coffee pot that Dr. McKay brewed the coffee in. "The bag had instructions inside, which Rodney, of course, ignored. A person is supposed to drink an eight ounce cup of this stuff to get in touch with himself. He speaks about his base desires and people can help him deal with them. The dunce cap is used in emergencies, when the person actually has to say what he means. This effect seems to last eight hours for an eight ounce cup. Rodney drank 20 cups, so he will be affected for almost a whole week."

Dr. Beckett pronounced Dr. McKay fit for duty...as long as he wore the dunce cap.

Later that night, Major Sheppard was caught by Lieutenant Ford tar-and-feathering Dr. Calvin Kavanagh, so he would appear especially unattractive to Dr. McKay.


	16. The Pegasus Conqueror--Issue 0-15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SUPER, HEROES NEEDED IN ATLANTIS

SUPER, HEROES NEEDED IN ATLANTIS  
by Cynical_Coat

Atlantis, Pegasus Galaxy-- A special meeting was held earlier today   
to discuss the ramifications of the roof collapse several weeks ago.

"With the Goa'uld attack and then Rodney's run in with that horrible   
coffee (see the two prior issues), we haven't really had time to   
address the situation." Stated Dr. Elizabeth Weir, recently the   
oldest woman on Atlantis. "We really needed to appoint someone to   
the maintenance of the city."

"After the meeting, I couldn't find Rodney anywhere. He just   
vanished." Major John Sheppard, Atlantis's resident geek lover,   
reported while checking underneath the bed that he, Dr. McKay, and   
Dr. Carson Beckett now share. "How does an ego that big just   
disappear?"

By lunchtime, Dr. McKay still had not resurfaced.

"We were really starting to get worried about him. Rodney never   
misses a meal!" Dr. Carson Beckett exclaimed, wringing his hands. He   
and Major Sheppard were about to call a mandatory search when a   
masked figure jumped up on their table. The man was wearing a red   
eye mask and a white cape sporting a red pattern that looked   
suspiciously like maple leaves.

This mysterious man introduced himself as 'Rod the Mighty', while an   
echoing background voice expounded his many virtues and skills.   
Aside from his impeccable style choices, 'Rod' is also billed as   
being 'faster than a Pentium 4 processor' and 'able to leap small   
children in a single bound', as well as having 'an ego of steel' and   
his faithful sidekick 'Radego', who bears a striking resemblance to   
an (until recently, see Issue 0-12) unnamed scientist. 

"He can smite me anytime." Major Sheppard was heard to comment, Dr.   
Beckett nodding in agreement.

Before anyone could point out the obvious similarities between their   
sudden visitor and their missing genius, another masked and caped   
man appeared, effectively stealing the limelight.

"I feel that proper attention is not being paid to me," bellowed the   
mighty Rod in an attempt to draw said attention and strengthen his   
formidable ego. "This can only mean one thing...EVIL IS AFOOT!"

As it turns out, evil was a *foot*.

"Dear God! It's Kav the Foot, Master of Follicle Foibles!" Dr.   
Grodin, base interface puppy and all around British guy, exclaimed,   
pointing to the wig wearing 'super villain'.

"You believe that you can withstand me...and my FOOT OF DOOM!" Kav   
the Foot shrieked, stamping his mighty appendage in rage, causing   
all nearby Majors-in-distress to squee and faint. 

Since a wave of looky-loo's made it impossible for us to witness the   
fight first hand, Lt. Aiden Ford was more than willing to give a   
play-by-play afterwards. 

"With a twist of his well trained neck muscles, Kav the Foot swung   
his mock ponytail of pain into the unsuspecting mug of our hero. But   
Kav had not taken into account the sheer force of nature that is   
Rod's ego. With one puff of his chest Rod used his carefully   
gathered attention to strengthen the field surrounding his person."   
Ford reported, using this opportunity to name as many things as   
possible. "The false flying locks burst into flame upon contact with   
the toxic barrier, filling the commissary with the smell of burning   
plastic." 

Distracted by a sudden outing from a bystander in the crowd, Rod aka   
Rodney, turned to learn the identity of the loudmouth. 

"It was then that Kav saw his moment, and attempted to plant his ill   
famed boot up Rod's..." Ford continued, but was interrupted   
when 'the Foot' was tackled by Dr. McKay's heroic (if not super)   
lovers. He was unceremoniously unmasked in the process, revealing   
(shockingly) that is was indeed Dr. Kavanagh. There being no   
precedent for dealing with 'super villains' in the Pegasus Galaxy,   
he was turned over to the Athosians for 'proper discipline and wig   
use'.

It was later discovered that Dr. McKay had misconstrued Dr. Weir's   
use of the term 'super', thinking that she was referring to the   
likes of Batman and the Human Torch, when in fact she meant the   
rather mundane tenement variety. He could not be reached for comment   
as he was in session with 'Captain America' and 'Banshee'.


	17. The Pegasus Conqueror--Issue 0-16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> RODNEY MCKAY SUSPENDED FOR PUBLIC INDECENCY

RODNEY MCKAY SUSPENDED FOR PUBLIC INDECENCY  
By Ladyhawk

 

Atlantis, Pegasus Galaxy--Dr. Rodney McKay, Atlantis' astrophysicist and oversexed head geek, was suspended from duty today after he was discovered passed out on the control room floor.

When Dr. Elizabeth Weir, Atlantis' leader found him, he was wearing his pants on his head and snoring very loudly next to an intoxicated Dr. Carson Beckett, head physician and one of Dr. McKay's lovers.

"Rodney was lying on the stairs and snoring so badly that I had thought it was some kind of Ancient alarm at first. For some reason, he was naked except for the pants on his head," reported Dr. Weir. "Next to him, Carson was singing 'Oh, Canada' and drinking something green."

Around them was a scattered pile of gossip magazines, and they were both facing a TV/DVD device that was playing the latest episode of 'Fashion Police,' the reality show starring Dr. Daniel Jackson.

"The episode was on 'What not to wear'," said Dr. Radek Zelenka. "I wanted to ask Dr. Jackson what kind of fashion statement Rodney was making in the control room. I would have loved to see Colonel Carter's face at the sight of him."

Major John Sheppard, Dr. McKay's other lover, had to hold back the crowd of scientists trying to see what mess Dr. McKay had gotten into this time. "It took me, Ford, Bates, and four other Marines to try to hold the doors shut, but some of the geeks slipped through. We had to hold off Kavanagh from snapping pictures and sending them straight through the wormhole to show General O'Neill what Rodney did with his gifts to us."

Dr. Weir shook Dr. McKay awake. He seemed startled to find himself in the control room, but recovered quickly. He stood up, removed the pants from his head and said to Dr. Weir, "Elizabeth, look, I can explain this. We, we found this Ancient device. It just shredded our thought processes. I tried to turn it off, but it was too late. We thought the best way to save our minds was to make fun of all the people on Dr. Jackson's show and in these magazines. You know, to remember why we're better than them."

Dr. Weir glanced around the room but was unable to find this device. Major Sheppard then shouted, "Give it up Rodney. I know you and Carson got into my Athosian moonshine! This is why I don't give you any, you can't handle it. You two are cheaper dates than Dr. Jackson!"

Dr. Beckett then grabbed the empty bottle behind his back and showed it to Major Sheppard. "HE is a cheaper date. I drank the majority of this bottle. Rodney, he had half a shot."

Dr. Weir suspended both men for two days so they could sober up. As an additional penalty, neither man was allowed to wear pants for the next week. Dr. McKay was to wear only his 'superhero' mapleleaf underwear (see Issue 0-15). Dr. Beckett was to wear a hospital gown with an open back.

Major Sheppard could not be reached for further comment, as he was imposing his own penalties on his two lovers. They were to watch all the American football games that he had saved on 20 DVDs and role play it for three hours each night with the Major in the quarterback position and the two scientists playing center.


	18. The Pegasus Conqueror--Issue 0-17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ANCIENT INTERVENTION REVEALS PHOTO HOAX

ANCIENT INTERVENTION REVEALS PHOTO HOAX  
By Cynical

Atlantis, Pegasus Galaxy-- In a turn-about of multi-galactic proportions, a heretofore unheard of Glowy Squid Person (aka- Higher Being)recently intervened in a matter of inconsequence to those not confined to the Mortal Coil.

"At first I thought that Rodney was conducting a counter-hoax to undermine Kavanagh's photo claims (see Issue 0-16)," reported Dr. Radek Zelenka. "But he was convinced that it was Anubis. It was completely lacking in the goth factor, so that theory really didn't fly..."

The Ascended Being then proceeded to hover over one of the lab benches, pointing at an artifact that Dr. Kavanagh had cleverly encased within a plastic replica of a lemon.

Upon closer inspection, said artifact was determined to be a sort of material lie detector, perfect for debunking hoaxes. "He knew that it  
was the only chance we had of proving that his 'compromising photos' were a hoax. He never had anything more than one shot of the ceiling, and it was blurry!" stated Major John Sheppard, the man voted most likely to yell 'Blue 42' during orgasm, and the reason that Dr. Kavanagh wasn't able to get more incriminating documentation of last week's indecent exposure (see Issue 0-16). 

Leaving Major Sheppard to deal with the artifact and Dr. Kavanagh, Dr. McKay turned his considerable, if easily shifted, attention to the  
white robed figure.

"There was something vaguely familiar about it, like I should have known who it was, but when I mentioned it to Carson, he practically leapt down my throat. And not in a good way." commented Dr. McKay. "He started babbling nonsense... at one point he yelled, and I quote, 'Damn it, John, I'm a doctor, not an Ancient telephone directory!', end quote."

Before the situation could escalate any further, the trio were summoned to the Control Room by Dr. Elizabeth Weir in order to answer some disturbing allegations from Earth.

"Seems that Kavanagh managed to doctor some pretty interesting pictures of Rodney and Lt. Col. Samantha Carter before we caught onto him." reported Major Sheppard. "Unfortunately, they were destroyed by a malfunctioning Zat before they could be sent back through the 'gate, tested by the artifact, and added to the body of evidence against Kavanaugh..."

The uncommonly helpful Squid Person stopped hovering long enough to fully coalesce and throw a salute at the video feed, prompting General  
O'Neill to forget why he had called in the first place.

"Skaara! Long time, buddy..." General O'Neill began, but the Glowy Abydonian didn't let him get any further than that before he interjected, admonishing him at length about not taking good enough care of his 'good brother', before finally outlining the Atlantis blackmail situation in less than typical Ascended terminology.

"Dr. Kavanagh is what you call a 'dweeb', O'Neill, and he is striving to annoy... everyone. It has gotten so bad that the Others actually  
asked me to intervene. They also asked that he be delivered into your keeping until such time as he is capable of... playing nice." Skaara informed them, before inclining his head and disappearing along with Dr. Kavanagh. 

While Skaara departed for planes of existence unknown, Kavanagh was promptly deposited at the SGC and apprised of his new appointment to head of base sanitation. 

Major Sheppard and Dr. McKay could not be reached for comment as they were instructing Dr. Beckett in the merits of being both a 'flesh peddler' and a 'voyeur'.


	19. The Pegasus Conqueror--Issue 0-18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ACTUAL PEGASUS FOUND IN THE PEGASUS

ACTUAL PEGASUS FOUND IN THE PEGASUS

By Cynical

Atlantis Mainland, Fantasia Continent, Pegasus Galaxy-- An Unidentified Flying Object was spotted on a routine survey of the Mainland today, revealing that the Pegasus Galaxy's namesake is not purely myth.

Discovery of the winged horse prompted Lt. Aiden Ford, resident lightning rod and hero worshipper, to engage in a formerly banned past-time. "Not only did he name the continent 'Fantasia', he attempted to name what was obviously a pegasus, something other than 'pegasus'." complained Dr. Rodney McKay, the man voted most likely to have his hero worshipped. "I mean, EquiGlider? What the hell is that??"

"Actually, it's an 'alicorn', as it has a single spiral horn in addition to the wings. A beautiful specimen, really." corrected Dr. Carson Beckett, despite prior claims that he is a doctor, not a veterinarian.

The crew aboard Jumper One were nearly deafened by a resounding 'squee' when their discovery was reported to base. 

"It sounded like someone had just told a room full of German fangirls that David Hasselhoff was in the building... it's one of the most  
terrifying sounds I've ever heard." reported Dr. McKay, looking stricken.

"I was about half-way through page twenty of 'War and Peace' when my bedroom door slid open, revealing a crazed Elizabeth..." explained Major John Sheppard, the man most likely to have *his* hero worshipped by Dr. McKay. "She grabbed the front of my shirt and started hauling me out of the room. I thought she had discovered that I was the one who 'borrowed' her favorite Harlequin romance novel and her silk teddy... but she just started going off about 'every girl's dream' and 'the purty horsey'..."

On the flight to the Mainland, Dr. Weir regained enough coherence to outline her plan. "Since she is technically a virgin, we can use Teyla to capture the alicorn and bring it back to Atlantis!" 

When asked why, Dr. Weir simply blinked and returned her attention to Teyla, continuing her frenzied explaination of the wonders of horses.

The arrival of the second Jumper startled the animal away from it's increasingly undaunted exploration of the outside of Jumper One,  
allowing the two teams to convene and discuss their course of action. After ascertaining that his lovers were unharmed, Major Sheppard  
explained Dr. Weir's idea to them. "I instantly realized that it was a bad idea when Rodney's eyes lit up brighter than Chaya in a pinch...  
When he started babbling about mystical powersources and all that, it only strengthened my feeling of Rodney-induced doom." 

After a brief pep talk, Dr. Weir sent Teyla out into the middle of the clearing, instructing her to 'pick flowers' and 'act girly'. After a little while the alicorn reappeared, seeming to zero in on Teyla.

"It was advancing almost shyly, everything seemed to be going according to plan... But since when does Plan A ever work?" asked Major Sheppard,  
shaking his head. "It had almost reached Teyla's position when it suddenly changed direction, ignoring her in favor of--"

"Rodney?" Both Dr. Beckett and Dr. Weir interjected incredulously. Dr. Weir stalked over to the shocked Teyla, demanding to know when she  
had had time to lose her virginity, while both Dr. Beckett and Major Sheppard looked at their lover in confusion. Dr. McKay backed up against the side of Jumper One and tried to fend off the amorous advances of the alicorn while he formulated his response.

"So what if I've never done the horizontal hustle with a woman?" entreated Dr. McKay. "I'm still a damn hot shag and you both know it!"

His lovers were quick to placate him, agreeing wholeheartedly. "Aye, Rodney is the hottest shag I've had since-- well, ever, I think." admitted Dr. Beckett, grinning at Major Sheppard's evident dismay.

"Thought you said quantity was better than quality?" asked Major Sheppard, pouting. Dr. Beckett responded by patting him on the shoulder.

"That was only because I discovered that you could get it up six times a night, where as Rodney spends it all in two." explained Dr.  
Beckett, earning a glare from Dr. McKay, who was having more difficulty fending off the determined alicorn. "A glorious two, to be sure..." he  
ammended quickly.

Seeing that Lt. Ford was on the verge of a severe beating due to his role in Unicorn-proofing Teyla, Dr. Beckett intervened, leaving Major  
Sheppard to 'protect Rodney's virtue'.

"I wanted to get back to the city and see if I could contact Dr. Jackson and ask him for advice. He's the only person I could think of that might have an insight into this kind of problem." said Dr. Beckett of his departure during so dire a situation, referencing Dr. Jackson's encounters with the species known as 'Unas'.

After waiting nearly two hours for Dr. Jackson to reference his notes and get back to him, Dr. Beckett decided to go and check on his lovers. "I returned alone, not wanting to interrupt Aiden's, ah, 'punishment'... and am I glad I did! In my absence, John had had one of his brilliant, if typically insane ideas." observed Dr. Beckett. "By the time I returned, the stunned looking cross-breed was standing some distance away watching as John [censored] [censored]and [censored] Rodney! It was all I could do not to [censored] in my pants!"

Once the alicorn had finally gotten the message, Dr. Beckett packed his respectively smug and sated lovers back into the Puddle Jumper and flew  
them home. Luckily, Dr. Weir was still in session with Lt. Ford and Teyla, so he was not called on for a formal briefing on the 'rescue'. None of the trio where available for further comment, as they were deep in discussion about what acts should be considered 'censored'. The ensuing demonstration was a [censored] sight to see. Dr. Jackson, however, was heard to mention that the easiest way to rid oneself of an amorous alien suitor is to show it a mirror. This is also rumored to work on certain wardrobe-challenged parasites.


	20. The Pegasus Conqueror--Issue 0-19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ATLANTIS PARTICIPATES IN FIRST ANNUAL 'TREES FOR EARTH' SOFTBALL GAME

ATLANTIS PARTICIPATES IN FIRST ANNUAL 'TREES FOR EARTH' SOFTBALL GAME  
by Ladyhawk

Entaria, Pegasus Galaxy--Major John Sheppard scored the winning run today in what is sure to go into the Guinness Book of World Records, the first annual 'Trees for Earth' charity softball game, on Entaria.

The Atlantis Base won the game 3-2 over the Entarian Apple Trees, a set of 13 year old saplings who have for the first time bore fruit in the shape of the green turkey that Atlantis had discovered earlier (see Issue 0-01). The saplings were gracious losers and invited the Atlantis team and all their supporters to drink of the sweet water in Randominity Pond.

When asked to comment about his lack of hits during the game, third baseman Dr. Rodney McKay of the Atlantis team said, "I'm still getting over the fact that somewhere in the universe, trees can play softball! How was I supposed to know they'd be good at it?!"

Atlantis coach, Dr. Elizabeth Weir, laughed at Dr. McKay's comment. "Haven't you ever read Lord of the Rings, Rodney?"

Lieutenant Aiden Ford had discovered the Ent-like creatures on the planet two months ago. The minute he saw the creatures pulling up their roots and walking to the pond, he went into the forbidden thing-naming mode. Before Major Sheppard could stop him, Lieutenant Ford had proclaimed "This is Entaria!"

Rather than being offended by Lieutenant Ford's strange naming tendency, the trees walking towards the pond began to repeat the name and laugh joyously. The tallest tree then turned toward Major Sheppard and spoke. "Would you like to join us for a game of bounce-ball?"

The team agreed, and watched as the young saplings played a rough equivalent of softball, but instead of using a bat, they swung their branches at the incoming ball. Ecstatic to find that his precious sport was indeed universal, Lt. Ford quickly joined in the game, using a fallen branch as a bat. "That branch used to be part of me," said the Trees' leader, AyBee, also the catcher for one team. "I am honored that you use it."

After the game, in which all of the away team participated, Major Sheppard explained to AyBee that they were looking for help defeating the Wraith. AyBee replied that they could not leave the planet, their roots wouldn't allow it. However, if the team would be willing to play another game with them, that the Trees would contribute all the fruit that they could for the cause.

The team quickly agreed, as everyone, including Dr. McKay, the fussiest eater in two galaxies, loved the Trees' fruit, which tasted like an amazing combination of turkey and green apple. Major Sheppard called back to Atlantis, and two jumpers were sent with the rest of the Atlantis 'team'.

When the jumpers arrived, the players were quickly briefed and they all got into a summertime mood. Dr. Kavanagh, however, had to be kicked off the team and banished to the sidelines, after he broke branches off three saplings "to make toothpicks. My teeth are filthy." He was also prohibited from using a tree for shade on Entaria ever again.

All in all, everyone had fun. AyBee invited the Atlantis team back to Entaria next year to play for more fruit. "We applaud Atlantis getting rid of those noxious bugs! Let our game and randominity help them in their quest." 

As an added bonus for winning the game, the Trees sent along a year's supply of maple syrup, which Dr. McKay and his lovers, Major Sheppard and Dr. Beckett commandeered and used in their bedroom. It was gone in a week.


End file.
